Hanging Out Vs Dating

I’ll admit, I’m a bit confused about this whole hanging out vs. dating stuff. I adore chillaxing with my girlfriends. We order pizza, drink wine, watch cheesy movies. We catch up on each other’s lives, we gossip about celebrities, we plan future get-togethers. I also like spending time out with a big group of friends (guys and gals) at a bar, to see a movie, to have dinner. But, in speaking with friends, it would seem that hanging out and dating are two different things. So what’s a gal to do when a guy she *likes* wants to hang out? Is ‘hanging out’ ever secretly code for dating? Is ‘hanging out’ with a boyfriend different from ‘hanging out’ with a new guy? I look to my dating past and to the advice of my friends to answer these perplexing questions.

On my second date with Jeremy, we went for Mexican food and Coronas. It was delicious and we both had a good time. Afterwards, he grabbed my hand as we walked along the sidewalk. Things were going well enough that I was open to having a third date with him. When we reached the subway stop, he mentioned that his brother was having a party over the weekend but that if there was any time leftover he’d call me so that we could hang out. Then he leaned over and kissed me. I got onto the subway in a daze – wondering what had just happened. Why had he mentioned a party and not invited me? I had flashbacks to my college days when boys wanted to hang out (ahem, hook up) with girls. Later as I went through the play-by-play of our date with friends they all pretty much agreed that this was not such a good sign. It seems when you reach a certain age, having a guy say that he wants to hang out is the equivalent to receiving the friends speech.

I met Jed through friends. He was cute, funny, and loved to frequent bars. He also loved to flirt and flatter until I was a blushing mess. We texted and e-mailed for weeks and then one rainy night, he invited me to meet him. Amidst too many drinks, he kissed me and the kissing didn’t stop until the bar closed. Despite the fact that his friends were there, he spent pretty much the entire night chatting with me. I’ll admit, it felt kind of like a date. I liked Jed and wondered if our hanging out would perhaps lead to real date sans friends. As we parted, he mumbled that we should “talk soon”, and I held onto these two words with a bit of hope. We exchanged a couple more texts but nothing ever came to fruition. In retrospect, it would seem that if a guy desires to go on a date he will step up and put it out there. He won’t say something like, “Hey baby, come meet me and my friends at this bar.” I might be cringing a bit as I write this, but at least I’m learning!

Back when I first starting seeing my past boyfriend Steve we went on many 1:1 dates – dinner, movies, live music, walks about the city. It was all so romantic. After we had been dating for awhile, we started doing things with our friends. He met my pals at a Depeche Mode concert, I played pool (badly) with his friends at a hip Brooklyn bar. We hung out with our respective friends on a pretty regular basis. In addition to this, we also settled into a routine of spending part of our weekends just hanging at home talking, watching movies, or cooking together. So, it would seem that going from dating to hanging out is a good, acceptable, even natural step when one has a boyfriend.

One of my friends recently reminded me that the bottom line is to have fun. While I do get her point, I suppose it depends on what a girl wants. And I can say for myself that somewhere between going to keggers and getting a real job, the allure of hanging out has lost a bit of its luster. And there is much to be said for an honest to goodness date.